~ Henry's Homepage ~

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You are visitor number: 0000847

⭐ NEW! ⭐ Sourdough starter is on Day 2,847 (see below)

About Me

Hello! My name is Henry. I am 47 years old and I live in Anaheim, California with my wife Diane and our two kids, Marcus (14) and Tessa (11). I work in mid-level operations at a large logistics company that you have not heard of. Before that I worked at a different logistics company that you have also not heard of.

I made this homepage in 2003 and update it whenever I have time, which is not often. I do not really use social media. My X account (formerly Twitter) is @HenryMa79561893 and I have posted from it exactly one time in nine years.

My Goldendoodles (3)

• Cole Allen (2011 – 2023) — named after my high school basketball coach
• Pumpkin (2018 – present) — she is afraid of the vacuum
• Dr. Buttons (2022 – present) — he chews on the baseboards

Sourdough Starter Log

Bird Watching Log (Backyard)

• Apr 26, 2026 — White-crowned Sparrow (m), in the lemon tree
• Apr 24, 2026 — House Finch x4, regular
• Apr 22, 2026 — Cooper's Hawk (juvenile?). Took out a finch. Circle of life.
• Apr 19, 2026 — Bushtit flock, est. 22 birds
• Apr 17, 2026 — Lesser Goldfinch, first of the season

My MIDI Collection

I have over 400 MIDI files I have collected since 1998. Some favorites:

• Greensleeves — arranged by Klaus B.
• Canon in D — the 8-bit one
• Take On Me — full song, 2.4 KB
• Theme from Murder, She Wrote — my wife's favorite

[Click here to download my MIDI archive (12.8 MB ZIP)]

SPACEBALLS 2 — LUDICROUS SPEED — 2027

🔥 THE SCHWARTZ AWAKENS 🔥

I am very excited about the new Spaceballs movie. I have been waiting for forty years for this. Forty years. When the announcement came out I made Diane sit on the couch and watch the original with me. She fell asleep at the Druish princess scene. I have forgiven her.

Approximate days until release: 000412 (they keep moving it. I refresh the IMDb page every Tuesday.)

Things I will be wearing to the opening night screening:

• My original Spaceballs t-shirt (1987, pit-stained, do not care)
• My Schwartz Ring (mail-order, 1989, technically a keychain attachment)
• My Dark Helmet enamel pin (Diane has asked me to take it off before we go inside)

Quotes I have been rehearsing for opening night:

"I am surrounded by ASSHOLES."
"Funny, she doesn't look Druish."
"What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?"
"They've gone to plaid!"
"May the Schwartz be with you."
"Comb the desert!" — "We ain't found shit."
"Ludicrous Speed, GO."

I am bringing my own snacks in a fanny pack. I will not be checking my phone. If anyone in my row checks their phone during this movie I am going to say something. Diane has been preparing me for the social consequences of saying something.

My SNL Top 3 (the ones I make people watch)

I have been watching Saturday Night Live live every Saturday since I was 9 years old. My wife now has a household rule that I am not allowed to quote SNL at the dinner table in front of guests. I have agreed to this rule in writing. I do not always honor it.

The Chris Farley one I have linked because if you have not seen it, that is a problem we can solve in 90 seconds. The other two you can find yourself. Pumpkin (the dog) has watched all three with me. She prefers the lobster one.

1. Chris Farley — Colombian Decaffeinated Coffee Crystals — SNL.
   Narrator: "Sir, do you realize that you are not drinking regular coffee, but Colombian decaffeinated coffee crystals?"
   Chris Farley: "What?"
   Chris Farley, peace be upon him. I deliver the "What?" every time Diane orders decaf at a restaurant. She has told me she will leave me. She is bluffing. I think.
2. Wayne's World (1989–1994) — Mike Myers and Dana Carvey.
   "Schwing!" — "Excellent." — "Party time. Excellent."
   Diane and I saw the movie on our second date in 1992. We have been together 34 years. The movie holds up. The marriage also holds up.
3. Larry the Lobster (April 10, 1982) — Eddie Murphy.
   SNL aired two 900 numbers. Fifty cents a call. One number to save Larry. One number to boil him.
   I was three years old. My dad let me stay up to vote. We called the SAVE number eleven times. Save won by ~12,000 votes (239,096 to 227,452). The next week Eddie Murphy ate Larry on Weekend Update anyway. I have not fully recovered. My phone bill was $5.50, which in 1982 was a real number.

Honorable mentions: Matt Foley ("VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER"), Church Lady ("isn't that SPECIAL?"), Hans and Franz ("PUMP — you up"), More Cowbell, Coneheads ("we are from FRANCE"), Sprockets ("now is ze time on Sprockets ven ve dance"), Da Bears, Stuart Smalley.

Things I Have Been Asked Recently (FAQ)

Q: Are you Henry Martinez who co-authored a 2014 NASA paper?
A: No. I have never worked at NASA. I am not an engineer. My last name is not Martinez. The username "HenryMa79561893" was assigned by Twitter when I signed up in 2017. The "Ma" stands for nothing.

Q: Did you know Cole Allen the suspect?
A: No. I learned his name on Sunday morning from the newspaper. My dog had the same name. There are many Cole Allens.

Q: Why have you only posted once?
A: I do not enjoy Twitter. I made the account because my nephew told me to. He set up the password. I do not know it.

Q: Are you part of a group called The Wide Awakes?
A: I am part of a Saturday morning birding club called the Anaheim Hills Audubon Chapter. We are mostly awake by 6 AM.

Q: Will you do an interview?
A: No. Please stop calling my office. They are getting upset.

My Investigation

Several people have written to ask why, if I am "just Henry," strangers on the internet are still convinced I know something. So I spent a weekend trying to look into it myself. The trail is honestly a little strange. I put my notes here:

→ The Investigation Board ←

I also found a database that other amateur researchers have been compiling, of accounts like mine. I do not endorse it but it is informative:

→ The Predictive Accounts Database ←

Sign My Guestbook

Leave your name and a note. I read every one. Diane reads them too. She has opinions about most of them.

🚧 UNDER CONSTRUCTION 🚧
Recipes section coming "when I get to it"